Sick Obit

Sick Obit

The world continues to mourn the day after Timothy Glacier Benson was laid to rest at Trump Memorial Gardens Cemetery and Golf Course in Santa Cruz, California. For those who have been living under a rock recently, Benson, also known as “TiBs,” “Lil’ Frosty,” and “TBenz G Class,” died tragically at the age of 29 following a car accident last week.

Many of Benson’s friends and family gathered with fans outside of the cemetery early yesterday morning, vying for the opportunity to meet celebrities at the funeral’s red carpet. Notable names in attendance included but were not limited to: Kylie Jenner, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, Johnny Manziel, Chet Hanks, and Jeff Goldblum. It was the type of star-studded occasion likely to have made the dearly departed Benson feel important, a sensation he often proclaimed he was entitled to during his interviews with the media.

Late Friday night, the musician-turned-actor-turned-fashion designer-turned-daytime talk show host was hit by a negligent semi truck driver who failed to notice Benson veering into oncoming traffic. Uploads to Benson’s Instagram account show him taking candid selfies mere seconds before Danny Carroway, age 47, failed to swerve out of the young luminary’s way. Paparazzi chasing Benson’s Lamborghini Huracán at high speeds (attempting to photograph him taking pictures of himself) also confirmed Carroway failed to take action by driving into the ditch to avoid a collision. Said an indignant Carroway, “He was in my lane and must have been going 100 miles an hour when he hit the trailer bed. What in God’s name is wrong with you people?” Carroway is currently awaiting trial in our nation’s capital of Los Angeles.

Though many of us are now left wondering what could have been had TiBs lived a long life of arrested development, his legacy will surely endure until the next YouTube mega celebrity reveals themself. As most already know, Benson’s career rapidly took off after a music video for “Go Eat Worms,” a song that dealt with his personal struggles of being called a bully his entire life, went viral thanks to the songwriter’s signature abs. After his debut track quickly reached the top of the charts on iTunes, a myriad of other hits soon followed including: “Gracious and Famous,” “I’m Better Than You,” “Ignore the Hate B-Cuz I’m Great,” and “At Least I Ain’t No Fatty.”

Benson’s career didn’t stop at music though. The pop icon soon made the transition to movies starring alongside Jayden Smith, Chandler Riggs, and Taylor Lautner in a remake of the remake of Ghostbusters. The shift back to an all male cast for the franchise strongly appealed to masculinists, a demographic no other tween sensation had been able to sway. As a result, Benson forayed into more serious roles including the remake of Scarface, the remake of A Clockwork Orange, and, the highest grossing film of all-time, The Passion of the Christ: Resurrection.

Benson’s peer and close friend, Justin Bieber, eulogized his protégé at the funeral stating, “I know all of us are like, really sad and stuff right now. Over these past few days I’ve experienced so many feels. They say that losing someone close gives you, like, a whole new perspective and whatnot. Well, what I’ve epiphanized is that life should be lived every day with love for the living. Straight up, you guys.” Bieber seemed to become overcome by his emotions or confused by his own sentiments at that point. He was later seen at Nick Cannon’s after party being consoled by a group of sympathetic teenagers.

President Kanye West and First Lady Kim Kardashian could not attend the event, though they spoke directly to their grief-ridden constituents late last night during an impromptu State of the Union address. Said President West, “To my American fellas—and ladies too—tonight I hurt with you all. I gotta put it down for a second and say, first of all, TiBs you were the realist, bruh. I often think back to the first day we met, and I think about you when I’m in the grocery store, and then I have a conversation about fresh juice with someone and they say, ‘Oh, you ain’t so bad after all.’ And TiBs, I know you feel me, bruh. God bless you, God bless us, and God bless the United States of the U.S.A. Amen.”

The night ended with a fundraiser for Benson’s Kickstarter campaign, which is still seeking donations to setup a charity for sick children. If successful, the charity will help make the dreams of lucky dying fans come true by covering a portion of their trip to meet their favorite, recently deceased, superstar in Santa Clara. The some-expenses-paid vacation will include a tour of Benson’s multi-million dollar estate and four vouchers to visit his gravesite. Healthy voyeurs will incur the standard $100 entrance fee into Trump Cemetery, plus an extra $50 if they wish to pass within five yards of Benson’s headstone to take pictures.

Perhaps what remains most remarkable in the midst of all the recent sorrow is that Benson still continues to inspire his followers even in death. His final Tweet of a winking smiley face followed by the phrase “tee-hee lulz” has led some to believe that he may have had a prophet like premonition of his own passing. Others believe that, despite evidence to the contrary, the message is proof Benson staged his death similar to conspiracies surrounding other artists such as Tupac Shakur and Elvis Presley. Nevertheless, this final glimpse into Benson’s thoughts should at least remind everyone that both actions and words are far less important than the celebrities we choose to worship.


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