Whether this is actually a good idea or not I’m still unsure, but I thought it would be an interesting experiment to sit in front of my keyboard today and see what seeped out of my fingertips. No structure, no point, no editing — well, probably a little editing (who am I kidding?) — but here’s a little update about what’s been going on with me. Some people — ok, like two people — seem to be interested. I guess, if nothing else, it’s blog content, right? And that’s exactly what the internet needs, more people rambling on about themselves. Maybe if I shout all of this in all caps more people will take notice…yikes. That’s not the point of this though, I promise you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have started with the whole humbling bad idea bit. Now that we’re all comfortable with me being a walking contradiction, let’s get to more self-deprecation.
The state of my writing…what state is it in? That’s kind of hard for me to determine still. There are good days and there are bad ones. The problem with the bad days is not that there are more of them, surprisingly there are very few, but when they occur I want to throw everything I’ve worked on in the garbage (not a literal garbage though because I like my laptop too much). There are tens of thousands of words sitting in a document on my laptop right now that I refuse to read. I’d prefer to start over and rewrite what I have in a far less cutesy way. We’ll see what happens. Each time I write something that doesn’t ultimately work, I try not to get too disheartened because there’s always something to take from it. At least when you write something that is B-A-D bad, you know what not to do next time. Keeping those sorts of things in perspective can be pretty difficult. I tell myself that the odds of me being one of those lucky writers that gets struck with a divine lightning bolt of coherent thoughts is slim to none. I’ll have to toil over all of this for a lot longer and matureas a writer…yada-yada-yada. I think that’s why I find it so uncomfortable to tell people what I’ve been up to. Everything, nothing, I don’t know. Assuming that I could ever write something half as good as I want it to be seems arrogant, but that’s not going to stop me from trying.
The good news is that when I find my zone — which typically occurs at times not conducive to healthy sleeping habits — the catharsis is reinvigorating. I enjoy agonizing over whatever I’m writing. I’m still not confident that my voice is intelligible in any way, shape, or form, but that doesn’t prevent this unparalleled euphoria from sinking into my bones when I feel an idea taking shape. Writing often makes time stand still. When I finally notice the clock I’ve lost hours, and I couldn’t be happier with how I’ve spent them. I hope to see my batting average go up, sure, but right now producing anything at all makes me feel successful. I’m sure I’ll continue to fall off of the proverbial bike and smack my face on the pavement, that’s a given, but I remain excited to pick myself back up and give it another shot each time I fall/fail. There’s a new found respect that I have for authors. I always thought I appreciated their craftsmanship, but actually doing it myself makes me realize how ignorant I was to their skill set. Although it’s intimidating, I’m trying not to let other’s accomplishments overwhelm me too much. Maybe one day another person will find my voice unique or relatable in some way. Until then, I plan on studying my inspirations and trying to find the perfect assortment of words to adequately describe my own feelings. Easier said than done, or not depending on if any of this has made any sense so far. Oh well. I guess I’m trying to say that I’ve learned a lot by sitting on my butt all day, who knew?
There’s a ton of room for improvement so I’m always looking for feedback. Smart feedback that isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings, but I’d also appreciate it if you weren’t too eager to rip me to shreds either. Sound good? I like honesty — a lot actually — it’s just that if something starts to sound too malicious I’ll probably resent you forever. No pressure. Look at me, getting defensive already, this is so much fun! If you’ve gotten this far, odds are you have my best interests in mind and I’d love hearing from you. At the very least, I want to say thank you for reading because I’ll need an audience some day if I want to continue doing this.
Ok, I’m cutting this short because contrary to everything I’ve just typed, I hate talking about myself so directly. I have plenty of insecurities saved up for another time, another place, another story. If I keep doing things like this in the future I’ll try to make them less about me and focus on other topics. I can’t promise it will appeal to everyone who has inquired about my blog, but I need to be less guarded about my thoughts if I ever want them to start finding people. Allow this post to serve as an introduction that I probably should have done a couple of months ago (my mistake). Hopefully you’ll all enjoy watching this car crash. Anyway, until next time!
P.S. I’m Cody by the way. Nice to meet you
P.P.S. If you made it all the way to the bottom, here’s a reward: The cast of Grown Ups with wrestler’s heads photoshopped onto them. I guess I do have something to show for all of my hard work today! Ok, bye then.